What is your Attachment Style?

Maybe you have heard the term ‘Attachment Theory’ being thrown around?
Do you know what it means? Are you curious to know more ?
 
I know I would have loved to have known more about this theory in my younger years, while I was forming relationships and while I was gestating, birthing and raising my children….
 
Attachment theory’ was first coined and developed around the mid 1900’s by British Psychologist, John Bowlby, referring to the way in which a child bonds with his/her mother or primary caregiver.
 
Bowlby was joined by fellow psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who together developed 3 attachment styles in babies & children.  The theory was studied and developed by his students and many therapists over the years and has come to be a widely accepted system for understanding the consequences of the child / parent bond. Eventually, a forth style, Disorganized Attachment was added.
 
Modern day Psychologist Dan Siegel, talks about ‘mirror neurons’ which imitate caregivers’ state of being, and ‘implicit memory’, which he explains is ‘raw unconscious body memory’ that becomes encoded in the brain, nervous system and throughout the body.
 
This idea is based on the premise that because babies and children rely on non-verbal communication they are easily affected by the moods and emotions of people around them. This in turn, contributes to babies development of empathy.”
 


4 ATTACHMENT STYLES

Secure

Babies / Children:
Consistent, positive bond with mother or primary caregiver results in a confident, stable baby & child. The child receives empathy and love.

Adults:
This person is trusting, empathetic and experiences ease in relationships, transitions and in life.  Usually emotionally stable & caring.


Insecure Anxious
Babies / Children:
Anxious and in-consistent caregiver resulting in clingy, unsure child who will become distressed when parent leaves the room, or has tantrums.

Adults:
In adulthood, referred to “pre-occupied” attachment. This person craves love and attention in relationships and lacks boundaries


Insecure Avoidant
Babies / Children:
Emotionally & physically distant caregiver resulting in overly independent and dismissive child, who gave up hope of intimacy.

Adults:
Are usually self reliant, independent and feel uncomfortable with intimacy. They take commitments seriously, and may feel smothered.


Disorganized Attachment

Babies / Children:
Child experiencing severe neglect, abuse, chaos and lack of connection resulting in high levels of panic, fear, trauma or even play out as care-giver

Adults:
As an adult this may show up as trauma & mental imbalances, such as addictions, extreme anxiety, depression, paranoia etc.

 
 
Perhaps you can relate to one or even more of these attachment styles … within yourself, your partner or your children.

The good news is – Bowlby, Ainsworth and other attachment theorists believed that it was possible to re-write one’s insecure attachment style.

Modern day research of neuroplasticity and epigenetics are scientifically proving this as fact. It is being demonstrated that it is possible for our brains and nervous systems to re-wire and establish a secure base through consistent, caring and stable relationships with a partner, teacher, therapist and. This is called ‘earned secure attachment’.

We can create earned secure attachment for OUR SELF by becoming aware of how our relationship dynamics currently play out. With this understanding, we may chose to surround our self with supportive family, friends, therapists and/or healers, while we give our self time and space to unravel and release old patterns and conditioning.  For some of us, this may be a long-term or lifelong journey, for others this can occur during an intense, short period of transformation.

As PARENTS we have the opportunity to gift our children a secure attachment by creating a calm and loving environment during, especially during pregnancy and the first years of life.

By giving our children consistent love, intimacy and emotional connection, they will learn what it feels like to be in a supportive, healthy relationship, and they will learn to believe in them-self.

They will come to know that they are loving and lovable.
Be able to give and receive freely.
Be comfortable speaking and listening.

What a magnificent start to life. What a GIFT !
 
 
REFERENCES
 
(Szalavitz & Perry 2010).
 
(Siegel, 2010). (Siegel, 2010).
 
(Bowlby, 1969, 1982).